Retro Review: Postal 2- Apocalypse Weekend (PC)

In this review, we'll look at the DLC for Running With Scissors' Postal 2.

The last we saw the Postal Dude, he had survived the apocalypse on Friday and returned home to the Bitch. She complained that he still hadn't gotten the rocky road ice cream she'd asked for on Monday, and then we heard a gunshot. Roll credits.

Apocalypse Weekend picks up on the following Saturday morning.

The Postal Dude wakes up in the hospital, having narrowly survived a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. He has several 'get well' cards on the table, but the messages inside are anything but benevolent.

The first is from his landlord, advising that his trailer has been repossessed. The second is from the pound, threatening to put his dog Champ down unless the Dude can come up with payment for his board.

The last is from the Bitch. She has left the Dude and moved in with her mom. The Dude is happy with the last development, and says"At least the news isn't all bad."

He then goes the hospital bulletin board, where he sees a posting offering cash for sperm donations. This will be the first task on the Dude's agenda.

You may find yourself running into Gary Coleman, also a patient at the hospital. He will automatically call you a bitch and run away when he sees you after the events of Postal 2.

The desk nurse directs you to the 'sample room' and asks that the Dude not make a mess. (Judging by her computer screen, she seems to have some NSFW interests of her own)

Once you arrive at the 'sample room' you'll wonder why the nurse asked you to keep it clean...the place is disgusting and not fit to store a turd. (Is that spunk on the table?!)

While the Dude is busy spanking his monkey, it is revealed that the doctors down the hall are doing some questionable research with cats.

These 'dervish' cats are all over the hospital, and spin like the Tazmanian Devil. They can kill you, though they quickly end up being the least of your worries.

All of a sudden, the Postal Dude's head wound will begin to ache. The injury temporarily affects his vision and cognitive function. Once you start seeing red, you'll be confronted by dozens of undead Gary Coleman's.

These segments almost have a Silent Hill feel to them at first, as the environment will suddenly change from a pristine hospital to a grimy, metal-covered series of passageways. Pyramid Head would be proud.

Once you've killed all of the zombie Garys and escaped, Apocalypse Weekend begins to really take off.

Paradise is now under martial law. You'll see tanks and soldiers everywhere.

The Postal Dude mentions how hungry he is, and now it's time to get some Chinese food at the Greasy Panda.

The employee taking the Dude's order begins acting aggressively, and the Dude tells him that his skin is fucked up and he should see a dermatologist. It's obvious however that the guy is a zombie.

But not just a zombie, a mad cow-tourette's zombie! It's hilarious. These undead monsters try to eat you whilst growling "piece of shit" and "ass monkey face."

The only way to kill the zombies is to destroy their brains. That's right, even if you hack off all of their limbs, they will still crawl after you on bloody stumps.

Once you've destroyed 20 zombies, the National Guard arrives to finish the job.

The Commander tells the Dude that the outbreak stems from mad cows in the area, and he gifts you a sledgehammer to use the destruction of their brains.

Most of these cows are obviously sick (rotting flesh, extremely aggressive) and will attack the Dude without warning. Midway through dispatching these walking petri dishes, a group of angry vegetarians arrives and attacks the Dude as well.

Once this mission is completed, the Postal Dude receives a call from Vince Desiderio, the CEO of Running With Scissors.

Vince tells the Dude that rival company BullFish Interactive's CEO Phraud Hogslop has refused to turn over the gold master of Postal 2, and Vince enlists the Dude's help to get it back no matter what it takes.

After a boss battle with Hogslop, the Dude calls Vince to tell him that the master is secure.

Vince is stoked, and invites the Dude to his house to party with 'the Postal babes.' The Dude accepts, and asks Vince to save him a blonde.

There is a quick cutscene, though no 'babes' are actually seen. This poster is all you get.

(sike, stick around till the end of the review for some TNA)

This brings us to Sunday.

The Dude wakes up at Vince's house to a sudden zombie attack.

He kills all the zombies on the property, and then heads back to town.

There, he encounters a local salesman named Rosco. He is the proud proprietor of 'Rosco's Elephant Themed Novelties.'

Rosco is an illegal immigrant, and has some under-the-table work for the Dude.

He makes trashcans out of elephant legs, (WTF) and wants the Dude to enter the game preserve and murder 20 or so to help with production.

After completing this task, the Dude receives another call from Vince who tells him that he needs something flashy to help sell the new product.

Being the bastion of reason and self-control that he is, the Dude recommends homemade fireworks, and heads to the nearby terrorist training camp to steal a nuke.

Of course, the terrorists freak out and try to kill the Dude.

The Dude kills his way to the center of the underground bunker just as the U.S. airforce arrives and firebombs the base on the ground level.

Unable to locate a nuke, the Dude continues fighting his way to the exit. Once he reaches the surface, he is mistaken for a terrorist and arrested by military police.